i feel anxious... i'm not sure why, but i feel like i have to do something! then i realize that this desire for a distraction is some twisted mechanism of my mind... trying to trick me and divert my attention away from something... but what it is exactly, i do not know. ...now, i recognize that i'm immediately drawn to shopping online. then i stop. and i think. is there anything else out there that i couldn't possibly live without? something that i can shove into this already busting-at-the-seams- little-lakehouse in the middle of nowhere!? ...no. there isn't. and i think again, "what if i just accepted that this is the way i am feeling right now and there is nothing wrong with just feeling it?... not trying to medicate or indulge my desire for retail therapy. this is who i am. this is what i am feeling, and the less i resist it, the quicker the feeling will dissipate into the nothingness from whence it came." a few minutes later... it does. so tonight, this is what i give myself... the satisfaction that i was a little bit better (of a person) today, than i was yesterday. that is all i pray for and what i need to strive for. everyday. goodnight. the happy end.
the following is quite beautiful... i adore it! :) i'd love to use it as an invite for a christmas party!
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