12.26.2010

...from whence it came



i feel anxious... i'm not sure why, but i feel like i have to do something! then i realize that this desire for a distraction is some twisted mechanism of my mind... trying to trick me and divert my attention away from something... but what it is exactly, i do not know. ...now, i recognize that i'm immediately drawn to shopping online. then i stop. and i think. is there anything else out there that i couldn't possibly live without? something that i can shove into this already busting-at-the-seams- little-lakehouse in the middle of nowhere!? ...no. there isn't. and i think again, "what if i just accepted that this is the way i am feeling right now and there is nothing wrong with just feeling it?... not trying to medicate or indulge my desire for retail therapy. this is who i am. this is what i am feeling, and the less i resist it, the quicker the feeling will dissipate into the nothingness from whence it came." a few minutes later... it does. so tonight, this is what i give myself... the satisfaction that i was a little bit better (of a person) today, than i was yesterday. that is all i pray for and what i need to strive for. everyday. goodnight. the happy end.

4 comments:

Brianne said...

There is strength in that realization. Sometimes, a walk in nature will help you find something, a "gift," something that you can bring home that is free but is satisfying to the soul. A seashell. A feather. A rock or stone. A pinecone or a wickedly shaped root is waiting for you. These things make the home balanced with the wonderful additions of rinestones and pearls and faux fur... well, you know how to mix it up. I like your balance. Have fun. Peace. Brianne

vintagesue said...

you are stronger than i am jessica!!! i always say old habits die hard. i believe that for real!!! i have ALWAYS collected junk...i remember doing so since the age of 3. i think what i do is remember to not be so hard on myself when i see my destruction...sometimes it is destruction and other times it is what i do! i sell junk, so i have to live with it...like it or not.
i think some humans have the natural instinct to dig and fluff and seek. i think that is innate. i try to remember that when i am crazy in the bins and feeling the thrill!! all that said, i totally get where you are coming from!! i get anxious too....kids crazy...house crazy....life crazy....and junk is such a distraction from the overwhelming feeling of trying to manage it all!!! it is for me anyway....so i feel ya!!!!!! hang in there.
i shop online ALL the time and then DON'T buy stuff. i fill my cart and then don't check out. sometimes i buy $200 worth of stuff that gets left in the virtual buggy!!! i feel happy for a minute, no money spent, recharged and i don't miss what i don't get. it's worth a try!!!
from one lover of stuff to another...hang in there!!!!!!! i get it.
take care
sue

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