The Tree of Melancholia

sometimes i am walking through the day and a flash of awareness grips me, and i am shocked to find that this is my life. suddenly it feels foreign and strange. my mind drifts and i find the broken and crippled bodies of women in the soft-textured pile of my sage towels-- or the twisted gracefulness of dancers in the curves of the printed peonies on my bathroom wallpaper. i stop to think-- am i happy here in this place i find myself? i usually answer "yes" to comfort myself and keep from letting the fear that i've so soon failed in my mission to "be better" creep into my thoughts and fester like flowers that stay in water long after they die. that is my worry. to fester and not grow.
looking out the window, my world is beautiful and bountiful, but it is the garden of my spirit that needs constant tending; long ago i planted a tree named melancholia and fell in love with its delicately, sad beauty. in time, my tree bore the strange and bitter fruit of malaise. the branches, heavy with fetid issue, polluted the air. and so, with bare hands i am now digging up the roots that have clung to the earth for so long. my exquisitely tragic tree suits me no more. the irony--i have outgrown the romantic illusion that sprouted in my soul and smothered my progress.
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torn sheets from notebooks, napkins stained with time, and wrinkled scraps of paper that yellow in aging notebooks. my collection. they catalog seasons of thinking and wondering. love, purpose, acceptance, success, passion, fear, desire, pain, sacrifice, deception. mere ramblings that drone on... my own coarse philosophy evolved over days and nights of anguish, ennui, and euphoria. these remnants of thoughts all recorded on soaked bedsheets. deliciously salty. soiled in weakness, scorched by candlelight, and wet with weeping. i am inamorata.


The Pleasure of Patina

i love ephemera; actually anything that shows its age has beauty. the more i find, the more i want to buy, but i don't spend enough time converting these finds into something that is mine. when i do, i feel it is often at the expense of my family. i'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of girl, but it shouldn't have to be this way. i am determined now that "nothing be good or bad, lest the mind make it so" (shakespeare); but also, nothing be "this" or "that" lest the mind make it so. that is, i am constantly having to recreate my world everyday because the world is in me. the particles and energy that surrounds me is a sounding board, a mirror that reflects what is in me. if i define myself as a person who never has enough time, then i will always be trying to beat the clock. i am "this" or "that"-- late or tired.

i tried an experiment today and let go of the things i thought i had to do. instead, i did what i wanted with my free time and let the other stuff wait for me. i realized that all my frenzy running around is caused by a need to "do", but none of it was vital. heck, none of it was even important.

Pretty Pincushions

love this pretty shoe. sell on ebay? not sure. she's simple. i have been collecting little girls black shoes to transform them. this one didn't have a sister shoe so a pincushion seemed to work.
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I dream of Black, old Gold and Cream

this was actually the first pincushion made and the inspiration for the whole black, ivory, and old gold. i even want to redo my kitchen in these colors. don't tell steve.
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Homemade Love in Pink and Red

homemade valentine's day cards. there was so much more i wanted to embelish these with, but time did not permit, so i gave up--it was 4am. next year i'll buy the cheapies from the store; the kids appreciate them more anyway. bummer.
you know, i say that now, but next year, i'll be up at 4am doing something else that I want the kids to have, not the marketing depts. at nickelodeon.
i made this party hat for zacky's halloween-birthday party. he did wear it for a moment and he looked adorable.
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Baby Shoe so Sweet

Baby's shoe used as a picushion.
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Small Traditional Christmas Tree

you cannot tell, but this is the baby tree. i covered it with silver heirloom baby spoons, forks, rattles and cups i have collected for my boys. before i started having children, i realized that my parents didn't save much of our stuff growing up. i remember dressing my teddy with my baptism gown. why my mom let me do this is beyond me; she was usually very strict. but i decided that i wanted my kids to pass down things to their children. not everything i collect will survive time, and/or be desired, but hopefully someone will appreciate some of it...even if that means my great-grandchildren.
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pretty pretty pretty--by nicole sayre.
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Sage,Gold, and Cream

i have purchased so much in time, that themes naturally occur as items come together. these lusterous eggs were bought at wal-mart, if you can believe it, and the birds at target. everything else came from boutiques, and the tree from ebay (several years ago). it's very old and showing its age. she's lopsided and a bit scrawny.

these are the "old" family stockings (on the left) i made when steve and i were first married and only had doggies. once the boys came these became decorative extras. the ornies--some are new and others are old.

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Beautiful Belsnickle

carmen and i went crazy at the foo-foo jr. league christmas show. we both purchased these belsnickle santas and ornamental trees.
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Christmas Collections

i couldn't help but pick up this little gold reindeer. he's so old but so precious.
my lady is from "Bloom and Bee Swanky" and the snowman is a nicole sayre.
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China Doll & Christmas Scene

my little china doll. she was the only purchase i made when i went to
the "big red barn" near austin.
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Collecting for Christmas

i suppose i just need to dive in here. this is something i have been meaning to do for a some time. the world has been dancing without me for long enough.there is something that complels me to arrange & decorate wherever i find myself. it is almost a search for external comfort and liberation from the chaos of the outside world. finding the balance between shoping frenzies and actually reaching that quiet relief in my home--"there's the rub." it's a vicious cycle. i want and need stuff to be beautiful, inviting and comfortable--so i buy and buy; then there's so much crap and clutter in my life that i sometimes feel like i'm drowning in everything. balance. i need you.well, i have been meaning to post my christmas decorations. one of my friends has been photographing everything i have done in the past two years. a few months ago, i happened to see some of her stored pics and saw our fourth of july party. i realized that i didn't have any pics of what i did to prepare for it or even the end result. in fact, i don't have pics of anything really. that is until now. so here goes.

I bought this at a hobby store and glued vintagage ornaments onto it.

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Alejandro, my lovee love

my sweetness. how you make me smile and remind me of the child i once was. thank you for everyday you give me. and forgive me my imperfections. i love you.
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i don't know what i am doing and learning is sometimes such a kick in the pants. aghhhhh!
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